Finding Peace Through Parental Alienation as a Single Mom | November Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Navigating Guilt and Vulnerability in Writing About Parental Alienation
Before I dive into the topic of Parental Alienation, I want to take a moment to share something deeply personal with you. Writing about this issue, and putting it out into the world, hasn’t been easy. As much as I want to help others who are navigating similar struggles, I’ve had to wrestle with feelings of guilt and vulnerability.
There’s a part of me that fears how others—specifically my former spouse and my current husband’s former spouse—will react. What will they think? Will they try to retaliate in some way? Even though I’ve chosen not to mention names, I still feel exposed, as if by sharing my story, I’m opening myself up to potential harm or judgment. It’s like I’m walking a fine line between wanting to speak the truth and protecting myself.
But in facing this fear, I also know that it’s an important part of healing—not just for me, but for anyone who has felt the pain of parental alienation, domestic violence, or a fractured family dynamic. These feelings of vulnerability, while uncomfortable, are a testament to the emotional weight this issue carries.
If you find yourself feeling conflicted or hesitant to speak out about your own experience, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel scared. It’s okay to be vulnerable. But know that healing begins when we choose to share our truths, even when it feels daunting.
Finding Peace Through Parental Alienation & November Domestic Violence Awareness Month
The last blog I posted was in April. I paused to tune out all the noise to write, and publish my book Hope, Healing and Financial Blessings for Single Moms, scheduled to be released in February!
November is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and with over two decades of experience in the arena of Parental Alienation, I feel qualified personally and professionally to weigh in on this unfortunate topic. I’m also just a few classes away from completing a Master’s in Interdisciplinary Studies, with a concentration in Social Research Theory. I am a Certified Life Coach, Certified Executive Coach, with several other professional leadership designations.
I have really debated posting this blog because it stirs up painful memories and the unforgiveness that comes with them. But forgiving someone is a choice, not a feeling. Parental Alienation is such a devastating experience that creates deep divides in families where there doesn’t need to be. The injustice surrounding it makes it difficult to move on.
Parental Alienation occurs when an alienating parent brainwashes and programs their own child, aiming to devastate the finances and cause deep mental and emotional anguish for the alienated parent. Parental alienation affects not only the alienated parent and children but also grandparents, stepparents, and extended family members. The Government of Canada has cited many resources on the issue, which you can read here.
Parental Alienation seeks to put children and the alienated parent into mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage.
What is Parental Alienation? How Do You Stop It, and Most Importantly, How Do You Recover from It?
In this blog, I want to clearly outline the definition of Parental Alienation and why courts are so hesitant to address it in Canada and the USA, and what you can do about it. According to Wikipedia, “Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent.”
Other sources, such as The American Journal of Family Therapy, describe it as, “We define parental alienation as a mental condition in which a child—usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict divorce—allies himself or herself strongly with one parent (the preferred parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without legitimate justification.”
According to GetzCollins and Associates in Calgary and Strathmore, “Parental alienation is more than a simple disagreement between parents. Rather, it is a pattern of behavior by one parent aimed at turning a child against the other parent.”
17 Signs of Parental Alienation
Borrowed from Justice Family Lawyers, here are 17 signs of Parental Alienation:
A child unjustifiably rejects one parent while expressing extreme loyalty to the other.
Rationalizations for the deprecation and hatred of one parent are often weak, frivolous, or absurd.
Hatred towards the alienated parent lacks the usual ambivalence that characterizes healthy parent-child relationships.
The child claims the decision to reject the parent is their own (the ‘independent-thinker’ phenomenon).
The child reflexively supports the preferred parent in parental conflict.
The child expresses guiltless disregard for the feelings of the alienated parent.
Borrowed scenarios exist, where the child uses language or expressions borrowed from the alienating parent.
Animosity is spread to the extended family and friends of the alienated parent.
The child’s recollections of adverse events are grossly distorted or fabricated.
The child loses previously shared passions or interests with the alienated parent.
The child excessively highlights and exaggerates the flaws of the alienated parent.
The child is not ambivalent about their feelings; it’s all hatred, without any ability to see good or recall positive memories.
The child’s feelings are almost exclusively negative, without the ability to feel or express love, pity, or guilt toward the alienated parent.
The child’s perception is not in line with reality or what others know to be true about the alienated parent.
The child wants to avoid spending time with the alienated parent, including rejecting meals, outings, and visits.
The child’s negativity extends to others associated with the alienated parent, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and pets.
The child’s animosity towards the alienated parent remains unwavering, regardless of the time spent apart from the alienated parent.
By clicking on the hyperlinks above and additional resources below, you can become more equipped in your understanding of Parental Alienation, and what you can begin to do if this is happening to you.
Why Parental Alienation is Difficult to Address in Court
One of the reasons Parental Alienation is so difficult to address in the court system is its high cost. I recall an instance of working with someone who had already spent close to $500,000 on court proceedings. But when the judge suggested the alienated parent apply for sole custody of the children, they were told that gathering the necessary evidence would cost another $300,000-$500,000, and take another three years of lengthy proceedings, with psychologists and other experts involved. In this particular case, the alienating parent was highly motivated by money. I’ve seen this dynamic a lot—where the drive for financial control and the manipulation of children seem to go hand in hand. It’s a form of hoarding, but instead of collecting objects, the alienating parent collects children.
How Do You Stop Parental Alienation?
The best way to prevent this phenomenon is to love your children, and display behaviors that a loving family unit would expect to see when the children are in your home. To the best of my ability, this is the route I chose for myself. No matter what happened in the other household, no matter what was said or done to me by other adults and the alienating parent, I refused to stop behaving as though I loved my children. This meant I forgave, spoke nicely (or at least civilly) about the other parent, and I chose not to rob the other parent in any way. I chose to allow my words to reflect dignity even when they didn’t deserve it. It is incredibly difficult to offer dignity to someone who doesn’t deserve it, but in the end (possibly when you present yourself at the Heavenly Gates) you will be rewarded.
Parental Alienation is a form of domestic violence, as the deep psychological effects are felt in families and last into generations. The article I referenced earlier in the American Journal of Family Therapy also includes a section titled: TWENTY REASONS WHY PARENTAL ALIENATION SHOULD BE A DIAGNOSIS, pg. 81-82 W. Bernet et al. “Parental alienation is a serious mental condition. It has a predictable course that often continues into adulthood and can cause serious, long-term psychological problems.”
Letting Go of the Deep Guilt
A deep sense of guilt is something I have learned to let go of, and forgive myself for. You can spend much time beating yourself up for not doing enough, not loving enough, or not trying hard enough to save the situation. But guilt is a mute point. It’s a vacuum that provides no solution and keeps you focused on the past. I’ve found the better and more peaceful solution is to simply choose to be happy. Be happy for your children that they have lives of their own, and release them to their own choices. They are adults after all. You cannot control anyone, and your children are allowed to make their own choices.
Why You Can’t Let Go
I want to shift gears and explain how my spirituality brought sanity and peace into my life. There is one who wants nothing more than to steal, kill, and destroy your life. And it’s not your former spouse. It is the enemy of your soul, and he wants you to remain his captive, consumed with fear, shame, and guilt. Parental Alienation is severe envy and jealousy manifesting in the alienator's thought life.
The evil behind the envy and jealousy wants to manifest, and the person who is listening to these thoughts is impervious to the influence they are under. When you practice separating the actions of your former spouse and act as if God the Father, the Father of all Spirits, sees and knows everything, it will bring peace. God understands how much it hurts when you want a relationship with your children and they are currently unable to do so. When you allow yourself the time you need to heal from grief, you can focus on forgiving the other parent, your children, and yourself. When you lean on God, He will give you the confidence and faith to move forward as you entrust your children to Him. God loves your children more than you do.
I have learned to let go of all the things I could have done and should have done. But the truth is, I did my best. And when I sit quietly with God and ask Him where I need to ask for forgiveness for messing up, I do so and move forward with my day in joy.
Joy can belong to you as well. Parental Alienation does not need to be an identity that you accept for your life. You are allowed to be happy.
I pray Psalm 91 over you, and release you from all the guilt and shame, in Jesus' name.
Many blessings,
Nancy
Additional Resources
New Life Free Course for Single Moms
The Fate of the Brainwashed Child - Doctor Ramani
10 True Things Alienated Kids Won’t Admit - Adult Kids
Parental Alienation as Described by a Child
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml
https://www.indigo.ca/en-ca/surviving-parental-alienation-a-journey-of-hope-and-healing/9781538106945.html
Nancy Riegel Hope, Healing and Financial Blessing for Single Moms