Finding Peace Through Parental Alienation PART II
Healing Your Heart from Parental Alienation
A few months ago I posted a blog about Parental Alienation where I provided a glimpse into the effects on both parent and child. You can find my blog here: https://www.nancyriegel.com/blog/rprly93bwk9dpb3bygefpazhrelhn8. To quickly refresh, parental alienation is when an alienating parent systematically takes away a child’s self-esteem by making them severely afraid, and bitter toward the other parent. The alienating parent creates a family system where the children in the home must align themselves with extreme loyalty to the alienating parent or face the mental anguish of being rejected by the (entire) family.
Strategies to begin dealing with parental alienation is something I also touched on in the previous blog. But today, I want to speak to the spiritual side of self-care and what you can do about the heartbreak that comes with rejection, and being rejected by your children.
This takes me back to a similar situation in high school. High school was a place where I never fit in, especially with the popular girls. I remember the first day of junior high. I was so excited to see all my friends from the previous year, but when I walked into the doors of high school I immediately realized everything was different. Socially I felt awkward. I was raised on a ranch 12 miles from town, and I did not have the same social skills everyone else seemed to have. The pecking order based on charm, attractiveness and wit didn’t seem to land with me. I couldn’t understand why everyone behaved - oddly? So when I was ostracized by my peers, I accepted it as what it was - a bunch of silly girls vying for the most attention and affirmation where I obviously lacked the beauty and charm necessary to fit in.
There was an advantage to being an outsider. I was able to see clearly how groups rewarded and punished peer behavior. If you did something the group didn’t like, they ignored you, or sent group members to aggressively “whip” you into shape. I remember one girl used to walk behind in the halls at school and she would push me into the locker and threaten me with vile threats. She was 6 feet tall, and probably weighed about 180 pounds. I was 5”5 and weighed 120 pounds. Obviously, I was not very big, but I was also very quiet. In retrospect I see how perfect of a victim I was to her. I kept my mouth shut, and my goal was to make myself as invisible as possible for obvious reasons, I was terrified of her.
I developed ways to stay out of her line of sight, but you know the oddest part of the whole experience was, at one time we were the best of friends. Little did I know that one day a switch would go off, and without warning she would turn on me.
The “switch” was a girl named Joel. Joel was new, and shiny and she had just enrolled in our school. I guess my bully decided she had had enough of me because the new girl “in” , and I was “out”. My bully didn’t have enough love in her heart to accept everyone. Looking back, in order for my bully to function she had to make someone “bad”, and someone else “good”.
So back to parental alienation and the victimization that it causes. Much like the popular kids in school and the “cliques” where someone is good and someone is bad, divorced family often endure the same sort of dynamics. Someone takes the role of “bully”. The children in the family are heartbroken and sad, and much like me in junior high, they make the perfect victim too afraid to speak out for fear of the repercussions. But what about the parent who has been victimized and has been made “bad”? How do you begin healing from the heartbreak of separation from your own children?
It’s important to recognize one simple thing. Someone who actively sabotages and instills hatred in others needs to be forgiven. This is the starting point for all reconciliation. Without forgiveness, the situation will not and cannot be improved. This doesn’t mean you give up hoping for a relationship with your children, it just means forgiving the alienating parent, with all of your heart will bring you peace. This is the beginning of the path to restoration.
“Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots”. Luke 23:34 KJV
When Jesus hung on the cross dying for our sins he cried out to His Father knowing that those who crucified him had no idea they were listening to thoughts of hatred and bitterness. The Jews believed that in crucifying Jesus they were doing the right thing. The alienating parent who alienates their child from a loving parent is thinking similarly. They believe that wiping out the loving parent from the life of the child is the right thing to do. Just like the Jews who tried to wipe Jesus off the planet because of fear, anger and bitterness, an alienating parent is trying to do the same. They are trying to (remove) kill what they are afraid of.
An alienating parent’s greatest fear is that they won’t be revered as the most esteemed and important parent. They need to be the child’s centre of the universe, and nothing else will do. They also need the approval of the people around them. The children have no choice but to align with the alienating parent. If they don’t, their very survival is threatened.
What do you “do” in a situation like this, where the alienating former spouse and children are behaving so grievously and hurtfully? First acknowledge the hurt and the pain. And secondly, the answer is clear. We look to Jesus and the actions he took, Jesus forgave.
The Consequence of Unforgiveness.
If you choose not to forgive it will open the door to guilt. And guilt is such a tormenting spirit. I know this from personal experience as I am actively working to remove guilt from my life - permanently.
If someone has shown you with their words or actions that you are not acceptable, and they have taught others to believe the same, first, choose not to believe them. You are acceptable and more importantly Jesus accepts you.
“To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace”. Ephesians 1:6-7
Realize that people who have made themselves judge over you, are actually judging themselves.
Jesus taught by saying that we are not to judge others, and if we do judge others, we are guilty of the very issue.
Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:1-2
The NIV version says it like this:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-2
So here we have the instructions of Jesus when dealing with someone who is attempting to psychologically, spiritually and physically remove you from the life of your child. First, acknowledge the hurt, second forgive. Third, do not judge. And four, expect reconciliation with your children because the hope of Jesus lives in your heart.
“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye”.
“And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful”.
Colossians 3:12-13, 15
The fifth aspect to finding peace in the midst of parental alienation is something I have dealt with for decades. And when God’s peace abides in my heart I am able to function with joy and gratefulness on a day to day basis, navigating the complex life of parent/child relationships. This life promises to have its fair share of trials and tribulations, and God promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you, and with practice you can defeat anything the enemy throws at you. This includes any potential unforgiveness and bitterness that wants to tempt you through parental alienation.
God bless you.
Nancy
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