Finding Peace through Parental Alienation & November Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Finding Peace Through Parental Alienation
The last blog I posted was in April, and the reason behind the long pause is because I was tuning out all the noise to write and publish a book for Single Moms, which is scheduled to be released in December!
November is Domestic Violence Awareness month. And with over two decades of experience in the arena of Parental Alienation, I feel like I am qualified to weigh in on this unfortunate topic. Before we dig in, I also want to mention, I am a few classes away from completing a Masters in Interdisciplinary Studies, with a concentration on Social Research Theory. I am also a Certified Life Coach, Certified Executive Coach, with several professional leadership designations.
I have really debated posting this blog because it wants to lead me into bitterness. But I won’t go there. Parental Alienation is such a devastating experience that creates deep divides in families where there doesn’t need to be. PA is when the alienating parent devastates your finances, the relationships you have with your children and other family members, all in an effort to cause deep mental and emotional anguish to the alienated parent. Parental alienation causes devastation not only to the alienated parent, and children, but also to grandparents and stepparents.
So what is alienation, how do you stop it, and most importantly how do you recover from it?
In this blog, I want to clearly outline the definition of Parental Alienation and why courts are so hesitant to address it in Canada, the USA and what you can do about it. Wikkepedia describes “Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent.”[1][2]
Other Sources
The American Journal of Family Therapy cites it as the following, “We define parental alienation as a mental condition in which a child—usually one whose parents are engaged in a high conflict divorce—allies himself or herself strongly with one parent (the preferred parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without legitimate justification.”
GetzCollins and Associates in Calgary and Strathmore cite, “Parental alienation is more than a simple disagreement between parents. Rather, it is a pattern of behavior by one parent aimed at turning a child against the other parent.”
Borrowing from Justice Family Lawyers, I have copied a list they have created outlining 17 signs of Parental Alienation:
A child unjustifiably rejects one parent while expressing extreme loyalty to the other.
Rationalizations for the deprecation and hatred of one parent are often weak, frivolous, or absurd.
Hatred towards the alienated parent lacks the usual ambivalence that characterizes healthy parent-child relationships.
The child claims the decision to reject the parent is their own (the ‘independent-thinker’ phenomenon).
The child reflexively supports the preferred parent in parental conflict.
The child expresses guiltless disregard for the feelings of the alienated parent.
Borrowed scenarios exist, where the child uses language or expressions borrowed from the alienating parent.
Animosity is spread to the extended family and friends of the alienated parent.
The child’s recollections of adverse events are grossly distorted or fabricated.
The child loses previously shared passions or interests with the alienated parent.
The child excessively highlights and exaggerates the flaws of the alienated parent.
The child is not ambivalent about their feelings; it’s all hatred, without any ability to see good or recall positive memories.
The child’s feelings are almost exclusively negative, without the ability to feel or express love, pity, or guilt toward the alienated parent.
The child’s perception is not in line with reality or what others know to be true about the alienated parent.
The child wants to avoid spending time with the alienated parent, including rejecting meals, outings, and visits.
The child’s negativity extends to others associated with the alienated parent, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and pets.
The child’s animosity towards the alienated parent remains unwavering, regardless of the time spent apart from the alienated parent.
By clicking on the hyperlinks above and additional resources below you can become more equipped in your understanding of the definitions of parental alienation, and what you can begin to do, if this is happening to you.
One of the reasons it’s difficult to defeat in the court systems is it’s very expensive to take the issue to court. I recall an instance of working with someone who had already spent close to $500,000 in court proceedings alone but when the judge suggested the alienated parent apply for sole custody of the children, it was ignored in those proceedings that it would take 300,000-500,000 additional funds to gather the evidence, and another three more years of a lengthy court process where psychologist and other experts would need to be involved. In this particular case the alienating parent was highly motivated by money. This is another interesting factor, as I have witnessed these two aspects of divorce and parental alienation appear to go hand in hand. Money and children. The alienating parent is highly motivated to keep or take every cent they possibly can. I explain more toward the end of my blog. My observations are that it is similar to hoarding - only the coveted items are not animals, newspapers, clothes or other items a hoarder would collect. The coveted item is the children.
How Do You Stop Parental Alienation?
The best way to prevent this phenomenon is to love your children, and display the behaviors a loving family unit would expect to see while the children are in your home. To the best of my ability that is the route I chose for myself. No matter what happened in the other household, no matter what was said or done to me by other adults and the alienating parent, I refused to stop behaving like I loved my children. This meant I forgave, spoke nicely or at least civilly about the other parent, and I chose not to rob the other parent in any way. I chose to allow my words to reflect dignity even when they didn’t deserve it. It is incredibly difficult to offer dignity to someone who doesn’t deserve it, but in the end (possibly when you present yourself at the Heavenly Gates) you will be rewarded.
Parental Alienation is a form of domestic violence as the deep psychological effects are felt in families that last into generations. The article I referenced earlier in the American Journal of Family Therapy also includes a section titled: TWENTY REASONS WHY PARENTAL ALIENATION SHOULD BE A DIAGNOSIS, pg. 81-82 W. Bernet et al. “Parental alienation is a serious mental condition. It has a predictable course that often continues into adulthood and can cause serious, long-term psychological problems.”
The underpinnings of it being a domestic violence situation within families is clear. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. Children suffer under the manipulation and brainwashing of the alienating parent, and if the rational and logical parent is able to identify this quickly, and acquire the appropriate legal counsel much can be accomplished to stop it. It does become more difficult however as the children are subjected to brainwashing and physical bonds are broken through non-visitation, as they grow older.
The evidence of children turning on the parent they once loved has been studied at length, with the potential alienating parent teaching the child to be afraid of their father/mother by saying contemptuous remarks like: “I don’t trust your father/mother, and neither should you”, in this way plants seeds of doubts. Another phrase an alienating parent may say is, “you will always be alone, no one will want you, or I will tell the children exactly who you are”. Are all common language they use to separate children from alienated parents.
In order to deal with this issue effectively I have leaned heavily on my faith in God. Being separated from family members is always difficult, but your child will grow into an adult, and develop his or her own own thoughts and feelings separate from the alienating parent. When the adult child comes to the revelation themselves, you will be happy for them and ready to spend time with them.
Letting Go of The Deep Guilt
A deep sense of guilt is something I have learned to let go of, and forgive myself for.
You can spend much time beating yourself up that you didn’t do enough, you didn’t love enough or try hard enough to avoid all the hurt or to save the situation. Guilt is a mute point. Guilt is a vacuum that provides no solution and keeps you focused on the past. I have found the better and more peaceful solution is to simply choose to be happy. Be happy for your children that they have lives of their own, and release them to their own choices. They are adults after all. You cannot control anyone, and your children allowed to make their own choices.
Why You Can’t Let Go
I want to shift gears and explain how my spirituality brought sanity and peace into my life.
There is one that wants nothing more than to steal, kill and destroy your life. And it’s not your former spouse. It is the enemy of your soul and he wants you to remain his captive consumed with fear, shame and guilt. Parental Alienation is severe envy and jealousy manifesting in the alienators thought life.
The evil behind the envy and jealousy want so badly to manifest, and the person who is listening to these thoughts are impervious to the influence they are under. When you practice separating the actions your former spouse and act like God the Father the Father of all Spirits sees and knows everything, it will bring peace. God knows and understands how much it hurts when you want relationship with your children and they are currently are unable to do so. When you allow yourself the time you need to heal from grief, you can focus on forgiving the other parent, your children and yourself. When you lean on God He will give you the confidence and faith to move forward as you entrust your children to Him. God loves your children more than you do.
I have learned to let go of all the things I could have done and should have done but the truth is, I did my best. And when I sit quietly with God and ask Him where I need to ask for forgiveness for messing up, I do so and move forward with my day in joy.
Joy can belong to you as well. Parental alienation does not need to be an identity that you accept for your life. You are allowed to be happy.
I pray Psalm 91 over you, and release you from all the guilt and shame, in Jesus name.
Many blessings,
Nancy
Additional Resources
New Life Free Course for Single Moms
The Fate of the Brainwashed Child - Doctor Ramani
10 True Things Alienated Kids Won’t Admit - Adult Kids
Parental Alienation as Described by a Child