Worth the Wait
“I’m a single mom and I feel so alone”…”I want to date as a single mom, but I don’t know how”.
Making good choices concerning dating and marriage when you’re in the middle of stress, pain and parenting takes much self-control. This blog is for all the single mothers out there who deeply desire marriage, and family but feel impatient, and want to speed up the process. (If you’re feeling stressed as a single mom you can download my free course here.)
God truly wants to give you the desires of your heart, and He also wants you to equip yourself to enter into a marriage with your eyes wide open so you don’t make the same mistake twice.
Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:4
After 16 years of being a single mom, I remarried at the age of 40. Many years before that I heard God say in my heart that I would remarry after my children left home, and that is exactly what happened. I share more about that in my podcast. My youngest son was finishing his last year of high school, and I met my future husband. I recall seeing him from across the room at an event, and I thought, “that is the loveliest face I have ever seen”. I had no idea what his occupation was, how many children he had or if he was even single. I just remember his eyes sparkled, and I knew that his inner being was “good”.
We became friends, and he quickly let me know that he intended to marry me.
Before I met my husband, there were many years I suffered with deep loneliness. I tried dating in hopes of erasing that feeling, but deep inside I knew that there was something better for me. I knew God was going to bring me a husband, but with each date I went on where I was rushing God, I knew it wasn’t going to work out. In fact it made me feel sick in my stomach to date, but I kept trying. I would go on dinner dates, coffee dates - all of it. And yet, not one man came even close to being what I knew I needed. I did have marriage offers, some grand, and some not-so-grand but in the end I could never take “the leap”. Most of the men I spent time with pretended to know God but it was all talk. I recall one date I went on where a successful man in the business world professed to know God, he even wore a gold cross on his gold chain. But I listened to his words carefully on our dinner date, and I concluded I wanted nothing to do with him.
Some years I remained steadfast, not dating, then something would break inside and there I was, rushing to fill up the loneliness and more pointless dates. My deepest loneliness came when I gave in to the pressure of my feelings, and allowed despair to settle in. But when I remained faithful, and courageous to see how God’s plan would unfold - I felt like remaining single wasn’t much of a problem.
Something you might be able to relate to is that I really struggled with my sexuality, and understanding how I “fit” in social circles as a single woman. I felt like no matter how hard I tried to be friendly and warm it was misinterpreted. I gave up trying to hang out with married couples, it was so much work.
I want you, dear reader, to recognize that you do not need to allow your sexuality to dictate your choices for your dating life. You can remain strong, by recognizing you are a sexual being but do not let it rule your life. If you allow your sexuality to control you, it can create problems. I am hedging around the topic a bit, but what I am trying to say is this: if you become sexual with someone who is not your husband you are going to invite problems into your life. I relay some of my personal experiences in my new book Hope, Healing and Financial Blessings for Single Moms
I did not realize the depth of challenges that come with casual relationships outside of marriage, but now I know. The pain and heartbreak just are not worth it.
After creating a bond with my husband where we are best friends, and completely unified in every way, I wish I had waited for him and only him. Every single relationship that came before him pales in comparison. I did not know the joy I would experience in finding a best friend, and becoming a wife. It is amazing, and fulfilling. I become more confident in the woman I was created to be having someone in my corner who supports me, and lifts me up whenever he can.
He expresses love to me in a way that God intended. Not like all those unfulilling dates I went on.
My husband loves me just as I am, with all my faults and failures he never judges me in them. He never speaks down to me, and he deeply desires to learn how to lead. I do my best to give him space to do that, and together we find our way…
God wants a husband for you that exemplifies His lovingkindness, safety and protection, and you must be willing to wait for that for your life. Marrying the wrong man or even living with a man can cause turmoil, and disaster for your life.
Rushing to marry or move in with the wrong man, can even create abuse and deep heartache that can sometimes take years to recover from.
Looking back, I would have steadied myself by learning to become my own best friend first. I would concentrate on learning what it means to love myself, and accept myself rather than trying to “make” myself worthy. Something important I have learned over the years is to express a great appreciation to God for creating me, and being more thankful that He made me exactly who I am. In fact, when I pass by a mirror I now force myself to say these words, “I love you”. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable but I keep at it. It’s God’s second commandment to us. We are to love God first, then love ourselves second.
Living with a Man vs. Marriage
Why would a man want to marry you if he can live with you and reap all the benefits you have to offer with no actual real commitment? Think about it ladies, living together is not a commitment. I have done it, and each time the man involved in the relationship was not interested in a long term commitment. He only wanted to take, and not give. The men I lived with wanted all the perks but were unwilling to sacrifice any part of themselves, which is what marriage is all about. Marriage is a place where you learn to serve one another with joy. Living together without a marriage commitment is a form of scarcity and lack. Men who want to live with you realize that you do not fully love yourself, and that you will put up with all kinds of nonsense.
My husband and I lived together for a short time because we did not trust God with the timing of our marriage. He had been going through a 3 year divorce that was very high conflict, and we told ourselves that we didn’t want to wait. We didn’t know how much God loved us in within that situation, and we didn’t trust ourselves either. There were consequences to that choice, we separated briefly before we were married, and God fixed it.
The purpose of this blog is this. If you believe God wants you to (re)marry, ask Him about the details, and what you should do. Do not go on endless dates trying to sift and sort through men. I once read a “Christian” blog where a woman went on 50 coffee dates in rapid succession trying to find the man of her dreams and she was angry and upset that she couldn’t find a decent man?! I can’t imagine God telling anyone to rapid fire off 50 dates, and expect success.
Derek Prince, one of the greatest bible teachers of our time, had 2 very successful marriages to strong single mothers. His first marriage was to his wife Lydia, who had 8 children and the marriage lasted 30 years until she died. Mr. Prince married his second wife, also a single mother who at the time of their marriage had 3 children. They went on to adopt one more child together and they loved each other deeply until she died 20 years later. Derek and Ruth Prince wrote God is a Matchmaker and they inspire me to remain hopeful in the tough seasons. They are strong examples of what it means to become unified as a couple when a single mother enters into a marriage union.
Please remember whatever stage of life you are in, there will be difficulties. Married or single, challenges will surface and you need to be steady and stable, ready to take on those unpredictable things that come your way. Waiting for God to bring you your mate is no different. If I could leave you with one parting word of encouragement..? Don’t wait for a man to fulfill your life. Enjoy yourself by learning and growing. Stay physically fit and healthy, and most importantly, never let a root of disappointment take hold. It’s much easier to be rid of discouragement quickly before it sets in long term.
The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, But who can bear a broken spirit?
Proverbs 18:14 KJV
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Nancy