A Young Woman’s Guide to Career, Mental Health, and Money.
This blog is a ten minute read.
“I’m 18 years old, and I need to leave home…but I feel scared and alone.” “I need help with money, budgeting, how to get a job, and my mental health.”
Angry, hopeful, excited, and scared. That was my emotional state when I left home at the age of seventeen. With a few clothes stuffed into an orange garbage bag I had a passionate desire to create an independent life - I wanted to start over. The problem was this. I had no idea how to go about achieving a new life. Because I had so many unanswered questions, and I lacked the tools to make good life choices, I accepted a lot of painful situations into my life. In addition, anxiety was also just your run-of-the-mill-ordinary-way-of-existing.
It doesn’t need to be this way for you...🙂
You want more for yourself, in fact you want to create a life that is safe, happy, fulfilling and where you learn to become your own best friend.” Deep down, this is what you really desire - am I right?
I believe with all of my heart that statement is for you. Let’s say it again.
“I will create a life that is safe, happy, fulfilling and where I learn to become my own best friend.”
“I have my own dreams, and I will achieve them”!
If you post these statements on your mirror, and say them to yourself each day it will change your life. Your words are incredibly powerful, and you have the ability to move toward achieving that statement with each choice you make.
If you are a young woman dreaming of leaving home because you desire independence, and self-discovery because of difficult family dynamics I want you to know, I can relate.
My main goal has been to help single moms but today is the day I want to connect with young women ages 17-24. I want to share my heart with you, so you can pursue a life you actually love and create freedom, independence and safety for yourself.
Create a new mental image for yourself…Can you just imagine a life free of toxic relationships? A life where you can think about what it means to become whole and happy? This is an exciting journey, and this is one of the most critical adventures of your life.
Which brings me to point #1. Who you choose to date is the most important decision you will ever make, because dating is the key that unlocks the next step, which is marriage. I want you to be so aware that the choices you make in this area will help determine your entire future! Who you choose to date can help heal your heart, instead of hurting it.
A Little About My Story
Becoming pregnant at the age of nineteen was a result of a relationship where I was desperately searching for love. There is nothing wrong with wanting and desiring love! We were designed for it.
But, if you do not have the right tools you need in relationships, this can be challenging territory as you could potentially fall back into the only thing you currently know.
I’ll use myself as an example.
I did not know how to create a well balanced life for myself with my own hopes and dreams, so I inappropriately relied on other people to make decisions for me. At the age of 18 - I needed life skills that allowed me to nurture myself. I needed to learn how to become my own best friend, so that loving myself first became a priority over putting other peoples needs ahead of my own. I was always so busy fixing other people’s problems.
Something that contributed to feeling desperate for love is that I didn’t feel confident or safe. As a result, I was all over the place trying to make good choices, as best as I could.
The need to feel loved is very important. In fact, it’s one of the most important aspects of life - besides food, clothing and shelter. The deep emotional need to feel loved can drive you to make premature romantic decisions before you are ready. (That was me) Can you relate?
So I did something I believed would fix this deep need that had many challenges associated with it.
I chose to live with someone at the age of 18 simply to fulfill a romantic need without the lifelong commitment of marriage. This brought chaos and pain. Thankfully though - it’s been fixed.
Who you allow into your life, and heart, is the most critical decision you will ever make.
If this is you, just nod your head, so I know I’m on the right track with you.
You are allowed to take things slow…romantic love does not need to be rushed. You do not need to move in with someone because you feel afraid that you won’t make it on your own. Rushing means you are afraid something will disappear.
When I left home, I needed big sister advice on big life choices like the one I am talking about. I also needed help with other big choices, like how to pick roommates, career advice that would help me make healthy long term plans, and money advice.
You Can Be Successful
It doesn’t matter what kind of situation you have come from, what really matters is where you are going. Perhaps you have come from extremely a challenging situation where you felt like you were not wanted, or maybe your family was controlling, and they did not encourage you to have your own thoughts and feelings. It’s possible you grew up in a household that made you feel unsafe, and unloved. Or maybe there was abuse from your parents, or family members and you just want to leave it all behind.
Another scenario that is common for young women who want to leave home, and become independent is maybe you were never permitted to have a real relationship with your dad, and you desperately needed that stability. And now, your anxiety is through the roof.
And maybe, just maybe you are really angry. I get all of that, and so much more.
I want to share with you about how to begin healing from anxiety, and family wounds in a moment. But first let's address the 3 most important things you need to know about:
how to get a job when you first leave home
where you should live as an 18 year old woman, and
how to create financial stability
Did I mention that I am a Certified Life Coach, Certified Executive Coach with a *Masters? At one time I helped corporations hire and create long term careers for their executives. So, you are in good hands when it comes to career and job advice.
How to Get a Job When You First Leave Home
My first job when I left home was in the oilfield.
I was the only female on a crew of sixty men, and my boss let me know I was the hardest worker in his company. I’m telling you this because you need to apply yourself with excellence in your job. I picked a job where I could be outside most of the time (I love being outside), but maybe I could have picked a landscaping job where I planted flowers instead of working on a pipeline. What I am trying to say is, make sure you work hard, and apply yourself to something you are passionate about. That way, when you wake up in the morning you will be more excited to go to a job where you experience meaning, rather than dreading or wanting to avoid each day. Think about things you enjoy doing. Do you love to bake? Create drawings? Or maybe you are passionate about exercise, and you would like to explore the opportunity to become a fitness trainer. You have time, and you don’t need to rush into a career if you don’t want to. You may want to consider a few part-time jobs where you can explore your interests before rushing into 3-4 year postsecondary commitment.
It’s possible you may want to own your own business one day.
The goal when picking your job or career is that it should be a place that helps enhance who you were meant to be - with peace and joy. The money will come, just make sure you really enjoy your choices.
Please remember to have an attitude of being helpful at work, and being early instead of “on time”. These life skills will show your boss that you really want the job, and will earn you respect at work.
Gaining the respect of others is a good thing.
There is so much more I want to say on this topic but let's keep moving forward, and discuss where to live when you leave home at 18.
Where Should I Live as an 18 Year Old Woman?
I grew up in a man’s world. I was surrounded by men all of the time because I lived on a ranch. What I didn’t realize was this. That dynamic does not work when you leave home, and you are a single woman trying to figure out life. I moved into a house with a bunch of single men. I thought men were easier to get along with. Maybe that is true. But you could also end up babysitting, cleaning and being a “worker bee”. You do not want this for your life. If you have come from a challenging family dynamic where as a child you were taught to care for people who were supposed to be taking care of you - it will “feel” natural to take on other peoples problems. Perhaps you felt guilty, and believed you were a burden to the adults in your life, so you tried to please them as best you could. But it never really worked - did it?
You were meant to enjoy your life, and taking care of another adult's emotional needs is not the path for you. This is called codependency. Codependency will greatly impact your mental health as a young woman, and now is your opportunity to heal from it.
You do get to make changes, and you are allowed to be happy and create a life you love.
So getting back to where, and who you should live with..? Here are a few tips:
Move into an apartment with a couple of other young gals, or possibly into a basement suite. Just make sure you move to a safe neighborhood where the main floor tenants or other apartment goers are respectful. You do not want to room with a bunch of guys as it can quickly turn into a romantic situation, and you do not want that. The reason is this. What if the romantic situation fails? Then you must find a new place to live, and you will more than likely be left with a lease you cannot afford. This is a very stressful situation.
Do not go to look at a place for rent alone, always take someone with you for safety.
More than likely if you have been raised in a controlling environment the last place you want to look is at a church, but maybe a lovely family in church has a suite for rent, and if it’s quiet and safe, it could be a great arrangement.
I recommend staying away from downtown as most downtowns are known for being the least safe. Especially for young women.
Do not give up your independence for a romantic relationship at this early stage. Love, marriage, and family are wonderful things at the right time. If you rush, you can marry prematurely, and you will miss out on becoming your own best friend.
Begin the process of enjoying your life for a year or two, and then consider dating once you realize the passions and meaning you have for your own life. A sure sign you are codependent is if you are more passionate about being with a romantic partner than you are about taking care of yourself. I have discovered that healing my heart from controlling family relationships includes finding friendships where people don’t make decisions for me, do not control me, and let me be myself. This can be young women's groups at church, baking classes, online courses, and any place where there is an opportunity to learn and grow.
If you are concerned about falling into a weird religious church situation that is understandable. Maybe you could begin by reading one or two verses from Psalms each night where God reveals His love for you instead of worrying about if you’ll find the right place to go to church. Focus on how much you are loved by God. (I know that can be very scary if you came from a controlling family).
How to Create Financial Stability as a Young Woman
This may sound a bit preachy but here we go. I did some things that were nothing but a distraction and a complete waste of time, and money. These “things” were partying, drinking and smoking. I look back and think to myself, “what a waste of time and money”. I realize now it was all about looking for love in all the wrong places.
Commit to never do drugs, drink or smoke. If you commit to this - your life will benefit greatly! Especially if you have come from a challenging home life situation. When you come from challenging home situations it can be easy to get lost in distractions. It will feel so much better to focus on achieving your dreams!
Also if you commit to never doing these things, you will pursue financial stability with so much more ease, and with a clear mind. As a young woman moving out on her own, you don’t need an escape.
When you are a young, single woman living on your own, you need all of your wits about you. Becoming vulnerable with alcohol or drugs at a party, can invite hurtful situations, and you don’t want that. Or, being drawn into isolation and doing these things at home where no one can see you is also self-defeating. It only brings more problems and heartache. If you never start these bad habits, you’ll never have to quit them. Speaking from experience it may “feel” good in the moment but almost always ends up poorly.
The one thing I absolutely did not do was hard drugs. At one point I said with complete confidence, “I will never do hard drugs”. It was the best choice.
Say it with me now, “I will make choices that heal me.” “I am worth it!”
Well, now that we have that out of the way.
It’s time to talk about your budget. All of the things we just discussed are also expensive. Making a budget is something you need to visit each month as you make a list of all of your expenses and income. You need to budget for:
rent, utilities, phone bills, groceries, clothes, personal hygiene items, hair appointments, bus pass, or car insurance and car registration, and leisure activities.
Make sure you do not go into debt by getting yourself into a car payment. If you have a car payment it means you can’t afford it. Buy a car with cash. My first car cost me $800.00, and I paid cash for it. If you have a car payment, you will likely spend the next 10 years paying it off. This is an unwise choice and is the greatest contributor to not getting ahead financially.
So there you have it. I thought this was going to be a short blog, but instead it turned into a mini-book. I hope you enjoyed it.
A Young Woman’s Guide to Career, Mental Health, and Money are the basics to what a young woman should know as she begins her journey toward creating an independent where she becomes her own best friend!
I know you can do this.
Love,
Nancy